|Circa Day 18
||[Sep. 10th, 2006|10:42 pm]
Work has been fine. It's something to do instead of sitting in a room of four bare walls and a second hand mattress laying on the floor. I find myself more often than not sleeping on one of the ceiling beams because it's more comfortable, but that's besides the point.|
I made a little over a quarter-million gil in tips alone tonight. More than I'd ever make as a SeeD, but that's a life long gone and over now. It's funny. I actually miss being told what to do every day. Simple and some would say a meaningless existence, but it served to prove a point about how expendable people are; myself included. But at least it made sense. I had purpose and reason back then. Now what am I? A former mercenary that's now taking care of tables at a rather questionable establishment. My ancestors are not amused...
I'll honestly say I'm lost. I know Rai means well, but he's trying to find himself out in this would just as much as I am. I thought I knew what I wanted. Tried to make it clear to myself and to others, but it ended up in more confusion. I can't handle things that don't make sense. There are days where I'm honestly afraid of what I see inside of me; I'd sit down and look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the woman without the eyepatch in the reflection was.
I've allowed myself to become so weak in an attempt to be accepted in the eyes of others.
I had finally become a SeeD, and I threw it away to follow him. And now I ask myself if he was ever worth it. Am I expendable to him as well?
I just don't know. I just don't know.